SHOWNOTES

Question: I’d love to hear more about the possible distinction between standing in one’s own needs and then the problematic zone of asking or expecting a partner to change. Asking for change in certain areas seems reasonable and I use my own potential reaction to being asked to change as a measure: “Would I respond well to my partner asking me to change in this area?”
But some areas seem tricky, such as Love Languages: “XYZ behaviour that is hard for you is actually what most supports me feeling loved and seen” etc.  Could you speak to this?

• Asking for what you need [6:00]
• Meeting your partner’s needs is win-win [9:00]
• If our primary partnership is unsafe [11:00]
• Knowing your partner’s needs before they ask [13:00]

SHOWNOTES

• Contest announcement [5:00]
• How to repair a rupture [8:00]
• When you trigger your partner: the art of micro repairs [12:00]
• When ‘macro repairs’ are called for [14:00]
• 3 steps to the micro-repair [15:00]
• An example in Jayson and Ellen’s relationship [18:00]
• Your Action Step [26:00]

CONTEST

• If you're not already, become a member of the Smart Couple community https://www.facebook.com/groups/749008838533400/
• Record a 1 minute video on your phone. Do not go over 1 minute. For the video, include your name, where you’re from, and one practical tool or tip you learned from this podcast that helped you in your relationship life
• Post it in the smart couple group. 

PRIZES

• 1st Prize. Indestructible partnerships course (30 days long)
• 2nd Prize. 30 minute laser coaching session with Jayson
• 3rd Prize. 2 free months in the Relationship School Roots Community

DEADLINE: You’ll have until Saturday February 25th at Midnight Mountain Time

Winners will be announced March 1st

Question: We’ve been together 3 months and I’ve been on a path  of self development for many years.  My new partner is very new to inner work and has not prioritized that. He’s open and he’s curious but he’s new to it all.  There’s a lot of fear there for me because I’m worries as we get to know each other his lack of self awareness and self understanding might create blocks.  I’ve let him know this but I’m not sure whether I should just walk away now and try find somebody who I feel can meet me as an equal, or just accept him as he is. What is the healthiest thing to do in this situation?

• Finding reasons why our partner ‘isn’t enough’. [2:00]
• Why it’s hard if one partner doesn’t want to grow in the relationship [4:00]
• If your partner is interested but slower [8:00]

Question: Is it a good idea to tell a prospective partner your non-negotiable about personal development right off the bat?

• Laying your values on the table [12:00]
• We all are directing our ‘growth and development’ energy somewhere [14:00]
• It’s about priorities, not time. [16:00]

Do you ever use sex to avoid closeness? Do you know what happens when a man who is called the Erotic Rockstar hits a wall and falls apart? In this intimate episode, we explore these questions and hear a man's vulnerable and raw answers. You'd be surprised at some of what he has to share. There are some nuggets in this very edgy episode. From politics to porn, we cover a lot of ground. Listen to my guest Destin Gerek share his very personal story of overcoming his ego, feeling his emotions and heart, and then sharing what he's learned (and learning) with other men.

SHOWNOTES

• The most important role men can take to help women flourish [26:00]
• Why women are usually more emotionally accessible than men [31:00]
• Getting support from other men [33:00]
• Knowing when the answer is to ‘leave’ [35:00]
• How to speak so he’ll listen (and hear your hurt) [38:00]
• The dangers of ‘programming’ yourself with porn [40:00]
• Noticing the positive and negative effects of porn use [43:00]
• Why you should remove the word ‘performance’ from your vocabulary [46:00]
• For men: how to immediately get more present during sex [48:00]

If one of you wants marriage and the other doesn't, there will be problems. You both need to get crystal clear and determine how "negotiable" this is. Listen to the podcast for more detailed info on what you can do about this common dilemma

SHOWNOTES

• What if your partner won’t work on it with you? [1:00]

Question 1: My boyfriend and I have been dating 2+ years and have been unable to move forward and feel secure in our relationship because I believe in marriage and he does not.  That said, he does believe in committed monogamous partnership, just not the ‘institution’.
I love and want to be with him, but it feels like we’ll forever be in this eternal impasse.  Any suggestions on how to get over this hurdle, or is it simply time to move on?

• The institution of marriage [3:00]
• What are you really scared of? [6:00]

Question 2: My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years. We both have lost a spouse and have 5 kids between us.  A year ago we got engaged and were living together for 5 months.  He became overwhelmed with the demands of a large, blended family and left taking his two children with him. After therapy and 9 painful months of hurting one another, we’re giving it an earnest try and restarting the relationship. What is lacking for me is commitment. We are no longer engaged and have no plans to live together.
I took one of your courses and understand my part - I understand that the relationship has to meet my needs or I need to leave. He’s not willing to commit to me through marriage and will only live in two houses as the blended family is too hard of a situation with him.
Is it true that the only way this relationship can survive is if he moves forward towards meeting my needs of commitment and living together at least part of the time?

• Your ‘Non-Negotiable Needs’ [9:00]
• Your Action Step [12:00]

If you are a woman who feels shut down in your body or genitals, this conversation is for you. My guest Olivia Bryant helps you understand your cervix and what to do to begin the healing journey. I learned a lot here and am reminded how jammed up we are as a culture sexually. There's so much wounding, trauma, and pain around our sex lives and our guest will help you address one potential area of your sex life that needs attention and healing.

SHOWNOTES

• Learning how we shut down to learn how to open up [8:00]
• Olivia’s Story of ‘de-armoring’ herself [9:00]
• Understanding our ‘armoring’ and de-armoring process [11:00]
• Un-learning bad habits from porn [14:00]
• How the cervix becomes numb from the wrong kinds of sexual contact [15:00]
• Things couple can do together to have deeper, better sex (without the pounding) [16:00]
• Understanding the types, states and experiences of orgasm [19:00]
• How to tap into the Orgasmic State to enhance your pleasure [21:00]
• Going slower for better sex [23:00]
• The De-Armoring Process: where to start, what to do and what to look for [25:00]
• What not to do when experimenting with sexual healing work [29:00]
• Dealing with bruised egos: how to give and receive feedback without taking it personally [30:00]
• Your Action Step [40:00]

For more, visit jaysongaddis.com/podcast96

If you are not fighting after 4 years of being together you're asleep. Why? I'll explain in this episode. I used to be proud of the fact that I never fought in my relationships. But man, was I missing the boat...

SHOWNOTES

Question: “You talk about working together and communication. But is there such a thing as working TOO well together, never fighting or getting into an argument? Sometimes I would like to have some type of disagreement or argument. We’ve been together almost 4 years and we’ve not had one disagreement or argument.  He just kinda always gives me what I want. Please help. “

• Why conflict is important - and the dangers of chronic conflict-avoidance [1:00]
• Why the older generations often ‘suck up’ their conflict, and why the mainstream is wrong about conflict [4:00]
• What to do if your partner is a ‘conflict avoider’ [6:00]
• How to use fighting as a doorway to greater understanding and connection in your relationship [7:00]
• What American Beauty can teach us about how not to handle conflict and tension [8:00]
• How to approach your partner if they’re conflict-avoidant (and how to say it well)[12:00]

Are you killing the connection with these 7 behaviors? My guest Bryan Reeves lays out some of the most common connection killers and what to do instead. There's some really good, practical advice in this episode. Dig in and enjoy

• Bryan’s relationship story [7:00]
• The Masculine-Feminine Dance and the ‘pull-push’ cycle [11:00]
• Freedom vs connection in relationship [12:00]
• When she says ‘come closer’ and he says ‘back away (and his biggest fear in life) [14:00]  
• One way to handle a woman’s anger [17:00]
• Key Relationship Skill: Connection before correction [19:00]
• The danger of ‘data-gathering,’ and how our partners feel invalidated by it [22:00]
• Why ‘mansplaining’ doesn’t bring you closer together [24:00]
• How one-upping your partner’s problems can lead to toxic arguments [25:00]
• A simple, impactful two-step principle for better connection and less friction [30:00]