How do you end a relationship with respect and dignity?  People make breaking up a lot more complicated than it needs to be. In this episode, I talk about how to handle breaking up in a clean, direct and honest way.

SHOWNOTES

Question from Shelby: "I’ve been working on myself through a romantic relationship for about a year and a half now. We really seem to connect deeply when we are together - which is minimal - yet it’s not enough for him to stay in the relationship so that it goes anywhere significant. I feel like I’m just lingering in this relationship that I still have feelings for and it’s not at the level of commitment I want. I’ve heard you mention something along the lines of 'when you end a relationship, you set the stage for your next relationship.'
How do I respectfully end a relationship with someone that won’t see me in person, won’t talk to me on the phone, or if I say anything serious by text, he disappears - in a way that invites a healthy relationship moving forward?"

• How do I end a relationship and not repeat patterns going forward? [2:00]
• Ending a relationship like a mature adult [3:00]
• How to un-complicate the break-up process [6:00]

Why do men pull away when they get close? Then, some of them will come back, only to pull away again. WTF is going on here?

SHOWNOTES

• What is going on when a man pulls away? [7:00]
• The surprising reason he pulls away and disconnects from you [8:00]
• Why annoying your partner is a good thing (and will happen forever) [10:00]
• The feedback loop that keeps you both stuck [13:00]
• Two powerful tips for when he pulls away [14:00]

Personal growth isn't the end all be all. But it does make a massive difference if you want a thriving partnership over time...


QUESTION:
“My question is in relation to Podcast #34, Triggers.
I’ve heard you’ve say in numerous podcasts what’s required to have growth oriented people, that it requires 100% commitment of “I’m in” to the path of personal development and responsibility and interest in myself for this work to be effective. What do you do if a person is 50% in? What do you do if they’re interested in taking responsibility and owning themselves about half the time? The rest of the time is still blaming, dealing with upsets, resentment and disconnection. The latter is tremendously difficult for me and brings up a lot for me. I can continue to work with my end of it, but also notice 50% is not good enough for me. I want more. Do you come up to this a lot in your work and if so, what are your solutions to dealing with it?"
- Max, Boulder, CO - 3/29/17

SHOWNOTES

• Why you both need to be all-in [3:00]
• Can a man who has sexual addiction to escorts because of anger overcome his addiction, and how do I stand by him while he’s working on this? [6:00]
• Would a man cuddle with a female he doesn’t like or interested in? [7:00]
• What causes a man to cheat when the woman helps with just about everything and will do anything for him? [9:00]
• How do you know then you’re ready to take the next step in a relationship? [10:00]
• How can I get him to understand that I don’t want it all the time and it doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to him? [11:00]
• When you and your partner are under stress [12:00]

Have you ever wondered why you struggle to learn something new when you are stressed? Do you wonder why you or your partner are so damn sensitive? Well, there's a scientific reason for all of this and in this week's episode, I interview the man who developed the polyvagal theory. He's a real pioneer and someone who cares a lot about you feeling safe, in life, and in your relationships. Stephen Porgess is about to give you a big download on why you might not feel safe and what you can do about it. Bottom line? We cover the neuroscience of safe relationships and how to create them.

SHOWNOTES

• Why we need relationships to keep our nervous systems calm [16:00]
• How neuroscience understands ‘intimacy’ [21:00]
• Marriage before, during and after kids [25:00]
• What to do next time you feel yourself triggered and activated [29:00]
• How safety and creativity are linked [32:00]
• Using your tone of voice to facilitate more safety in your interactions [43:00]
• The surprising truth about our happiest childhood memories [55:00]
• Why you should never work anything out over the phone [57:00]

Is your sex drive different than your partner? This can lead to a lot of challenges. Unless, you keep things simple, lead with vulnerability and speak your needs. Listen here for more.

QUESTION:

Hi Jayson, this is Lillian, New Orleans. I’m reaching out to you today because I notice I’m having a really hard time asking for sex from my wife. We have a history of having kind of a wide libido gap and in recent years that’s smoothed out - we’re more compatible there now than we’ve been before - but I find myself in situations where if we’re away from each other for a long time, like say her work schedule is too loaded or something, I end up feeling kind of estranged from her and there’s some part of me that feels like connecting physically and even sexually would be grounding for me in some way. I don’t know if that’s a thing, but I do know that even if that’s not a thing, I’m concerned about my inability to ask. I’m wondering if you have anything to say about it?
Thankyou for your hard work, thanks Jayson.

SHOWNOTES

• If you’re scared to ask your partner for sex [2:00]
• How ‘leading with vulnerability’ can help open the dialogue [4:00]
• Why some couples go years without sex [7:00]

Mandy - Smart Couple Facebook Page

Feeling connected. First of all, can we explore the meaning of that in depth? To me it's hard to define and hard to ask for and hard to get though my partner really tries. It's a feeling I get that my partner and I are connected. lol. Not helping. We're connected when we're both open to one another, present, affectionate, compassionate. Is it too much or unrealistic to want the goal to be in that heart centered connected space "all" the time? Not literally all the time but you know, like a majority. I could get that feeling from a 2 minute interaction everyday I think. That doesn't seem unrealistic but please tell me if it is. Seems like for a lot of couples men get connected through sex and women can feel connected through sex but prefer to feel connected before being sexually intimate. That's me. Why is that? How to handle when neither is getting what they need? Sex or heart connection. How can I go about being down for sex without a heart connection. How could a man move toward being more heart connected without sex? How do I explain my need to someone who this is all brand new to?

SHOWNOTES

• Is it unrealistic to want to feel connected all the time? [6:00]
• When life stress gets in the way of your connection at home [11:00]
• Why ‘islands’ need more connection than you might think [18:00]
• Learning how to reconnect after you lose connection [21:00]
• What you can learn from sports teams and musicians about connection[27:00]

QUESTIONS:

• I was listening to Episode 12 with Dr Keith Witt and was really intrigued about the role that shame plays in conflict and in relationship. Specifically in parenting as well as in long term partnership. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on that.
• Boyfriend and I are on a break at this moment. The anger I have from my ex is so bad… shame and blame a lot, how can I handle this situation for the future? 
• Boyfriend has some serious issues with his family and whenever an issue arises he disconnects and becomes distant. I try to be patient and understanding but it does become hurtful.  How do I handle this the best way?
• What do I do when my husband gives his friend’s wife more attention than he does me?
• I recently lost my 20 year relationship with my best friend as I called her out & shamed her in a loving way regarding the things she said about a new love. Her response to this was “I threw things back in her face.”  She then ghosted me for 6 months until I confronted her. Turns out she can’t see, call or text me anymore.  Would you say this is her out of integrity with herself and therefore blocked me and wants nothing to do with me? 
• My fiancé and I are in the midst of a 3-day fight. Should we keep working through it or take a break?

SHOWNOTES

• The difference between guilt and shame [5:00]
• Seeing shame as your ally [6:00]
• When it’s ok to shame, and when it’s not [8:00]
• Understanding how our emotions are giving us feedback [13:00]

Are you dealing with narcissism in your relationship? How do you really know? What are the signs and more importantly, what's going on with you that has you with someone you are labeling as "narcissistic?" In this episode I dive into these questions and more with my friends Jeff and Rachel, both very skilled psychotherapists who understand narcissism and how it can impact your relationship.

SHOWNOTES

• How narcissists relate to their sense of ‘self’ differently [13:00]
• Understanding how people get their narcissistic supply [17:00]
• The need for an idealized self-image [20:00]
• How narcissists counter-intuitively depend on everyone else [23:00]
• Getting their world [29:00]
• How to get through to a narcissist [32:00]
• What happens when partners complain from a place of helplessness [41:00]
• Being willing to lose a bad relationship [43:00]

Why settle for scraps in your relationship and be with someone who doesn't treat you with the utmost respect, even during the hardest of times? Well, there's often one reason...Listen in as I challenge you to ask for more.

SHOWNOTES
QUESTIONS:

• I’ve been in a relationship. We bought a home together, we’ve split up and I find myself continuing to go back and unable to let go.  How do you know it’s time to work or walk away? [4:00]
•  My husband doesn’t want divorce and he has had an affair - but he’s neither choosing me nor choosing the affair. What should I do? [6:00]
• My partner distances himself due to stress and finances for the last two years and puts the relationship on the backburner instead of finding strength in it, is that a sign I’m not being a good support? [7:00]
• My teenage daughter is currently not respecting my need for time out. She knows it’s important but still having a hard time in the moment and ends up saying hurtful things. Any other tools we could use? [13:00]

• When to wait in a relationship [5:00]
•  Your two options when your partner is having an affair [6:00]
• If your partner is stressed and distances himself [7:00]
• Why people settle for ‘scraps’ in relationship [8:00]
• If you’re always ‘the giver’ in relationship [12:00]
• Learning to soften if you’re a Type-A personality [13:00]