I really enjoyed this conversation with Zen teacher Diane Hamilton. She brings such a genuine willingness to move toward what’s uncomfortable in our relationships. We explore why she left the mormon church and how she got into zen practice. We also take a good look at parenting, marriage, and why it’s so paramount to be able to take our partner’s point of view. I know you’ll appreciate this dialogue.

SHOWNOTES:

• A special guest kicks off the podcast [0:10]
• Beginning of the interview [5:20]
• Diane shares the arc of her life up to this point [6:00]
• Diane’s “genius zone”: Meditation and Mediation [10:00]
• Skill with conflict = comfort with difference [16:00]
• Diane shares about the relationship dynamic with her husband [19:30]
• Diane defines conflict: “Extreme difference that is fueled by emotion, and is very disruptive to the system” [21:00]
• Why is conflict “good news”? [22:10]
• The 3 styles of conflict [24:15]
  • Avoidance
  • Accommodation
  • Aggression
• How Diane uses meditation to work with conflict [29:00]
• Diane demos mindfulness meditation [32:50]
• The yogic practice of hearing perspectives we don’t agree with [39:00]
• Bringing Zen and Integral into conflict [45:40]

In this episode I unpack 3 really important steps to removing the drama from your relationships. Drama can be a time suck, an energy drain, and can hurt your relationship even more. So, check this short episode out and notice if you are perpetuating drama, or doing your best to end it.

SHOWNOTES:

• What does Jayson mean when he says drama? [2:00]
• 3 main ingredients to ending the drama [4:40]
• 1. Reframe it and see it as an opportunity rather than a problem [5:50]
• 2. Say NO to drama, by saying YES to conflict [7:00]
• 3. Learn the art and wisdom of understanding each other [13:50]
• What does it mean to validate someone else’s experience? [17:00]

Bruce was one of THE pivotal factors in helping me marry my wife before she slammed the door shut on me. Hear that story in this episode and why it’s so common for couples to struggle. Bruce offers a powerful frame for relationship and intimacy and makes the distinction between the developmental work we need to do, and the possibility that we are “already free” in relationship. Check it.

SHOWNOTES:

• How Jayson met Bruce [1:15]
• “I give [Bruce] credit for saving my marriage” – Jayson [2:30]
• Start of interview [3:50]
• How does ambivalence factor into a long-term relationship? [6:15]
• The interplay of the basic energies of separation and connection [8:30]
• Intimacy vs. Closeness [12:30]
• Bruce’s core philosophy [15:30]
• Relationship is like riding a bicycle…it’s all about balance [17:15]
• A good first step for couples stuck in an adversarial relationship – The practice of personal responsibility  [21:31]
• Why it’s important to let go of claiming that your partner is the cause of your difficult emotions [23:50]
• Bruce shares about his marriage [26:00]
• Bruce shares his story of becoming a therapist [31:00]
• What is a “successful relationship”? [38:00]
• Bruce shares how parenting has impacted his relationships and his life [42:15]
• Having kids is a real good practice in how willing are we to let another person just be who they are. [45:40]
• Sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship [45:50]
• Approaching sexuality as a disciplined practice [50:30]
• Bruce talks about personal responsibility [54:40]
• Bruce shares about his new book Already Free – [1:00:00]

I got a serious education in this interview with Christiane and Ren. I can get so focused on men’s issues that I lose sight of what’s occurring for women. So, needless to say, this episode was very helpful. Since I have a daughter, I’m particularly interested in how to raise her in a “good” way around her own sexuality. Sure, my wife’s got so much of that covered, but as her Dad, I’m eager to support her unfolding in the most beautiful way possible. So, thanks to these two women and the women who were brave enough to ask some tough questions of themselves and their sexuality. I’m learning and I’m grateful.

SHOWNOTES:

• What lead Christiane into teaching sexuality [8:20]
• How Ren became a sexual educator – [9:30]
• What it was like for Ren to grow up in a household that was shame-free around sex – [10:30]
• Common sexual initiations for girls – [12:30]
• Sexual co-exploring between children; when is it ok? – [14:20]
• Why it’s important for parents to do their own work around sex – [17:20]
• Common roadblocks for a girl growing into her sexuality – [18:50]
• Sexual pain-points for women in long-term relationship [21:40]
• What is Erotic Intelligence? [24:40]
• Going into sexual wounds to heal them – [27:30]
• How men try to please women in the bedroom – [36:15]
• An example of a cop-out in the bedroom [39:55]
• What blocks us from knowing what we want in the bedroom- [44:25]
• Simple practices for women to move toward sovereignty – [50:55]
• The female orgasm – [58:50]
• Parting comments – [1:04:55]
• Q&A Section – [1:07:50]
• How do I heal the rift between my heart and my sex?
• What is the biggest obstacle for women to experience orgasm?
• How do I connect healthily to my sexuality in the midst of a busy life-style?
• And many more heartfelt questions

This is another great podcast, and our first one around sexuality, especially as it pertains to men (women’s sexuality coming in the next episode). David and I explore my own challenges and triumphs and what’s going on in the male mind when it comes to getting stuck around “performing” in the bedroom. You’ll dig it.

SHOWNOTES:

• Intro to David Cates [1:16]
• Start of the interview [4:00]
• How Jayson reached out to David when he was struggling sexually [5:25]
• Men stuck in the “performance game” [8:05]
• Your Cock is a Barometer. Learn to trust it [9:04]
• What performance-based sex looks like  [14:45]
• A hallmark of fully mature sex [16:00]
• Where to start developing a mature sex life [18:58]
• Sexual pain is just a signal for attention [21:00]
• When porn becomes a problem [24:00]
• What to do when given the advice “just have sex” [27:55]
• Partner Intimacy Practice 31:30]
• How to do your deep breathing in the practice [38:33]
• How to touch each other in the practice [40:00]
• What about performance anxiety for women? [42:56]
• Finding the right pace – and getting unstuck from your habits [46:34]
• Rediscovering your heart in your sex life [49:00]
• Giving yourself permission to be who you are in the bedroom [54:00]
• The one thing a listener could take from David Cates [56:20]

Can plant medicine such as Ayahuasca help our marriages? In this episode I interview two very experienced guests who have both done over 500 ceremonies with this sacred medicine. We dive deep into this question, highlighting Ayahuasca’s strengths as a healing modality and where this medicine may fall short when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

SHOWNOTES:

• Jayson’s early Ayahuasca experiences [2:30]
• Intro to Geoff Hanzlik [4:50]
• Intro to Richard Furr [5:45]
• Beginning of interview [6:50]
• Geoff shares how early depression lead him to Ayahuasca [8:40]
• Richard shares how he entered the Ayahuasca path [11:35]
• What exactly is Ayahuasca? [14:20]
• Potential dangers and downsides of Ayahuasca [17:35]
• Can this medicine “make you more sensitive”? [22:45]
• Is group processing needed before and after ceremonies?  [25:00]
• Bringing therapy into the conversation [26:00]
• The greatest thing the medicine taught Jayson [28:50]
• Does Ayahuasca help with our intimate relationships? [30:55]
• How would one use Ayahuasca to help their relationship life? [39:30]
• Richard helps those struggling to integrate their Ayahuasca experience [44:15]
• Inner depth healing vs. developing relational skills – [48:00]
• Ayahuasca is not a ‘quick fix’ [51:10]
• “This isn’t a ‘dabblers’ path” [54:50]
• Richard shares the dangers of pushing Ayahuasca on others [1:00:00]
• How are relational dynamics addressed in spiritual communities? [1:05:00]

In this episode Jayson fields a bunch of great questions from listeners like you.

Here are a few of the edited questions:

• Do you work with people who are actively having an affair and want to continue it?
• How do I deal with a partner who refuses to do the work?
• What do I do when I fall out of love with my partner?
• How can I feel sexually empowered in a relationship when my partner lacks both the desire to have sex and the desire to talk about it?
• How do I deal with the loss of my partner?
• How do I tell someone what I need in a way that doesn’t shame them or make them wrong?
• How do I work through conflict when my partner is stuck in denial?

Can MDMA help our relationships if we do this in a legit way? I explore this question with Dr Vanderveer and we zero in on some key factors if you want to improve your marriage or relationship life using medicine such as MDMA.

SHOWNOTES 

• Jayson shares his own experiences with MDMA – [1:50]
• The Low-Down on MDMA trials [4:55]
• Who is MDMA for? [6:20]
• What a MDMA-assisted psychotherapy session looks like [8:28]
• “There’s something really warm and cozy about that” [10:50]
• Why use MDMA? -Tapping into shared humanity. [13:22]
• Why does traditional therapy often fall short? [14:45]
• The importance of integration and structured therapy with MDMA [18:55]
• Jayson’s MDMA use in college [20:40]
• Learning to use MDMA safely [24:00]
• The “Quality”Problems that MDMA-assisted-therapy brings [35:55]
• Jayson’s experience of a facilitated MDMA session [38:05]
• Integrating these experiences into your relationships [40:30]
• “The context is everything” [44:15]
• State-Changes vs Trait-Changes [45:30]
• The future of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy [53:10]

Man is this guy a force! I dive into a vibrant conversation with integral-psychotherapist and writer Dr. Keith Witt.  Topics range from growth, depression, working with shadow, evolutionary drivers, marriage, parenting and much more.  Bring a notepad for this one! And, get the rewind button ready…

SHOWNOTES:

• Everything is relationships [2:33]
• Rediscovering monogamy [4:20]
• How to “make it” in long term relationship [5:05]
• Getting aligned in your growth [6:15]
• Causes and cures of depression [8:40]
• Different kinds of shadow [9:55]
• The two characteristics of humans in relationships [12:43]
• Understanding our kids’ motivations [16:45]
• The  Three Evolutionary  ‘drivers’ in relationship (and pitfalls) [18;09]
• Integral Mindfulness in relationships. [22:54]
• Relationships and Kids – and tackling the challenges of it [26:13]
• The transition to middle age [28:37]
• What Keith Witt does in his relationships – “Romantic Fridays”  [30:24]
• The ‘evolution’ of our empathy [36:30]
• The necessity of shame [39:30]
• Secure attachment explained [47:15]
• Developing mindfulness – learn to self observe [53:37]
• Final Advice from Keith Witt [01:01:30]

People don’t trust you when you are misaligned. You say you’re “fine” but really you feel angry. Or you say “I love you” but your body language is saying something different. This causes people to pull back from you.

The more congruent someone is the more trustworthy they are.

We get really pissed when our partner is out of alignment. In fact, we even resent them over time. But that is often a reflection of our own misalignment.

In This episode you will learn:

• Dealing with the ‘I’m Fine’ moment – Unlearning incongruency [1:33]
• Alignment in your marriage and work [6:00]
• Being ‘on the path’ to alignment [9:10]
• Tool: Sharing the Impact of non-alignment [10:07]

This episode is key for millennials who are about to get married. Too many people skip this conversation prior to marriage.

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn:

• How to tell the difference between honesty and reckless honesty.
• The three criteria of honest communication
• How to offer honesty without being critical.
• One question to ask before saying anything ‘honest’ 
• How honest communication without shaming can move your relationship forward
• Learning to receive feedback well
• The 4 conversations every unmarried couple needs to have (16:45)
• How to create space for honest feedback
• Dealing with arguments and conflict in an effective way
• Knowing when and when not to seek professional help
• How to have the ‘money’ conversation, especially for young people
• Keeping things fresh and alive for the long-term
• The importance of being friends with other couples

Affairs are so intense. When I was 20 or so I cheated on my girlfriend. When I was 32 or so I had an emotional affair. In this episode I share more about what I learned about myself during those and then I discuss why so many affairs happen and what you can do about it.

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn:

• how to deal with tears and anger in the fire of an affair
• how to move past an affair with the learning and insight
• how to move from an affair onto a path of personal development and growth
• how to see yourself differently in what may lead to an affair
• how to recognize the “victim” mentality and re-empower yourself
• how fear plays a crucial role in causing an affair
• why coming back into your heart is essential to preventing an affair
• about effective methods for dealing with affairs

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn:

• To see your partner as a sacred mirror and sanctuary for the growing your greatest actualized self
• The true characteristics of a long-term partnership
• How your partnership is the optimal container for complete transformation of yourself into the highest possible version imaginable
• How to fall in love and why this is more important than being married
• How to take radical responsibility for being loved in every moment of your life
• How to actually get your needs/wants met in a partnership
• How to know if conflict in your relationship is driving you toward or away from more magnificence

There’s a ton in this episode so dive in and go slow.

You will also want to check out Annie’s blog post “Should I stay or Should I Go?”

And, Here’s a great question from Annie to ask yourself if you are trying to decide to stay or leave:

Is the person I’m being called to become by what my partner’s asking me to become (if you take on the growth-development framework), will you become a more extraordinary version of yourself? If who they are asking you to become is a constricted, small, tight version of you, then this is probably not the person you want to be with.

However, if you identify as the smaller version of you, then, you are going to hear your partner’s feedback as criticism and blame and might make them wrong in the process. So, pay attention to these finer points.

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn:

• The importance of recognizing conditioning and seeing its role in shaping a more mature relationship
• Why knowing your past experiences and stories can re-empower your relationships
• How to differentiate between healthy shame and unhealthy shame and how they play a crucial role in functional marriages
• How recognizing stages of an evolving relationship can help you better connect with your partner
• How to get to being centered and truly connected with your partner without sacrificing independence
• About the key importance of vulnerability in a marriage
• About the heart of really deep and truly fulfilling sex

And check out these four stages of relationship. We explore these in the episode.

1. Me-centered
2. We-centered codependent
3. We-centered co-independent
4. Being-centered

I had a lot of fun with this one. These two “get” long term relationship and what’s required to go the distance. They also know a great deal about shame, blame, and how to get over it by going to the next stage in your relationship. Robert also supports the power of men facing their own BS and his new book “To Be A Man” is going to be worth the read for the men out there.

Note, our call got “dropped” by skype at one point so you’ll notice the sound quality change a bit. Just a heads up. 

IN THIS EPISODE, you will learn:

• how to keep a marriage alert, alive, and awake
• about the interplay of sex and emotional intimacy in a partnership
• creating simple positive changes in relationship through sex challenges
• how regular sex and strong physical connection benefit partnership
• how an “intimacy lifestyle” can create deeper connection
• what technique of initiation works best for your relationship
• how to regain the desire and dream conversation in a marriage
• how to recreate a habit of getting real with your partner

IN THIS EPISODE, you will learn:

• How to navigate a partnership by understanding 3 marriage types
• How to align to the most dynamic, live, energetic, and inspired marriage
• How to see diagnostically if your marriage is doomed or if you will make it
• How to get your partner to become a caring type—balanced and evolving

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn:

• the importance of relationship in integrative psychiatry
• how to understand what makes the best treatment in psychiatry with and without medication
• about alternative approaches to allopathic medication with integrative medicine
• the importance of true intimacy in relationship as medicine
• critical elements of attaining mental health
• how honoring yourself in a partnership encourages personal integrity
• how to maintain your integrity while being true to yourself and getting what you want with connection too
• how to control the destiny of your relationships and your life

IN THIS EPISODE, you will learn:

• Why and how partnerships matter and what they require
• What ingredients are needed to truly tend to your partnership
• How to work through bad habits by utilizing community for support and healing
• The signs of health in partnership and “right” relationship
• How to milk your intimate partner for the biggest medicine
• The core of erotic intelligence how to break the homogeneity of sexuality
• What’s next after deep connection, emotional intimacy and vulnerability

We continue to lay the foundational context for a rockin’ marriage. Will you be a smart couple or a dumb couple?

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn:

• REAL-LIFE applications to your intimate partnerships that actually work
• How to get results in the midst of challenge and struggle
• What the point of marriage is. If you don’t get this you’re screwed.
• The fallacy of the “romantic notion of love”
• About the optimal environment for child growth and brain development
• How to get away from the chronic stress model of marriage
• About the ins and outs of the “relationship cycle”
• The connection between relationship and business success

THE SMART COUPLE PODCAST SERIES

The Smart Couple Podcast: A trail blazing relationship podcast promoting unconventional monogamy and marriage–where we teach you how to fight well, master communication, and take your marriage to the next level without compromising your business, family, or integrity.

This podcast will become the VERY best relationship resource for growth and success oriented smart people who want to have extraordinary marriages and relationships.

We will explore you doing whatever it takes (including some very unconventional approaches) to achieve an awesome, and deeply fulfilling long-term relationship.

Your host, Jayson Gaddis brings over a decade in the trenches with couples, families and individuals and most importantly his unceasing and relentless commitment to examining himself as the ultimate lab rat to master relationship and intimacy. He is successfully married (for now) to a brilliant wife and has two cosmic kids who continue to school him about love. Jayson was a formerly jammed up guy who, for six months, when he first entered personal therapy, couldn’t answer the simple question of “How are you feeling right now?”

In this inaugural podcast, you will learn:

• The proper view and context for a successful marriage
• How to learn and grow from your marriage and relationship challenges (because there’s no way to avoid them)
• REAL advice with intelligent resources, NOT exaggerated or fantasized solutions
• Relationship Failure—What it is and why couples get stuck, stagnant, complacent, and afraid
• How to become a smart couple where you both WIN.
• Why relationships don’t work and how to get one to work over time