Dan Savage is known for his criticism of monogamy. But what is he missing and why does he think it's a disaster waiting to happen? Listen as Jayson takes a swing in Dan's direction.

SHOWNOTES: 

Introducing Dan Savage 1:30

Dan Savage on why monogamy does not work 3:00

Is every monogamous relationship a disaster waiting to happen? 5:30

The potency of 'leaning in' 7:00

Monogamy as an expression of learning to love 9:00

If you are serious about not dating another narcissistic man, and you are an awesome woman over 40, 50, or 60, this episode is for you. My guest Bobbi Palmer, of "Date like a grown up" has some great advice for how to stay true to you and get what you want.

SHOWNOTES

• About Bobbi [10:00]
• How Bobbi met and married the man of her dreams within 6 months [13:00]
• Getting clear on what matters and what doesn’t [15:00]
• Talking politics, religion, family and finances on the first date [17:00]
• How people hide from love behind their careers [20:00]
• About the ‘Narcissistic Guy’ [28:00]
• 3 Principles of Dating Like A Grown-Up [36:00]
• The challenge for older women who are dating [45:00]

Do you ever wonder if your relationship pain is guiding you deeper into whatever you need to heal yourself? What kind of relationship do you have with God? With reality? In this fun interview, Andrew Harvey explores how you can create evolutionary love that is much bigger than the "you" you know yourself to be. Hang on for a wild ride as Andrew takes you into a sacred outlook on how relationships work and how they can serve your soul's calling.

SHOWNOTES

What Does ‘Do the Work’ Actually Mean?

1:30 Defining ‘doing the work’ 3:00 Developing the self 4:00 What is the inner child? 5:30 How long must we work on the ‘inner child’? 

Loyalty is essential in a long-term partnership. Is loyalty different for gay couples? What honest conversations and boundaries are you both talking about? In this episode my guest Jean Malpas has some excellent tips for addressing these concerns and for giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.

SHOWNOTES

• Understanding cisgender and transgender [2:00]
• At what age do people start to identify with their gender? [4:00]
• An issue that comes up for any couple, gay or straight [8:00]
• What’s ok and what’s not ok in an open relationship? [11:00]
• What is the one essential factor in a successful relationship? [14:00]
• Is there a difference between gay & straight couple relationships? [15:00]
• Being mindful about areas of shame in relationship [21:00]
• What is “minority stress”? [22:00]
• Advice for couples who are struggling in relationship [33:00]

• What's porn's place in a relationship? [2:00]
• How porn can negatively affect a relationship [5:00]
• Porn is not the bad guy [7:00]
• Porn, like any compulsion, can be a wedge between two people [10:00]
• Ramifications of porn [12:00]

Arielle Ford explores the ups and downs of marriage, what to do with a new age nice guy, and how to rekindle the spark after stuckness. This week's guest got married at age 44, and realized she sucked at listening and didn't know anything about partnership. And now she teaches people all over the world the about the power of attraction, soul mates, and love.

SHOWNOTES

• Talking vs communicating [6:00]
• The purpose of marriage [8:00]
• Shocking facts about divorce [12:00]
• Women: How to fill up your oxytocin tanks [17:00]
• Men: How to rebuild testosterone [18:00]
• Do both partners need to be into growth and development? [21:00]
• Stepping back into your feminine after being in work-mode [27:00]
• How to have a difficult conversation in a positive way [33:00]
• How to lighten the mood when you’re triggered [38:00]

2:30 Defining emotional abuse

4:45 It Takes Two

5:30 Do you feel safe in your own home?

6:10 It's more complicated than 'just leave.'

7:00 How are you a part of your own abuse cycle?

7:35 Self-reflection and taking responsibility

What does your intention have to do with creating a great relationship?
According to my guest, everything.
If you are single, what vibe are you putting out into the world to attract a mate? If you are partnered, what vibe are you putting into your relationship?
This week's guest has so much to say about upgrading your story and your intention and how that can impact how fulfilled you are in your relationship (or future relationship). She also has some practical tips on how to do exactly that. 

If you are trying to "call in the one", or just trying to deepen with the one you have already, this interview is going to help you a ton!

SHOWNOTES

• Why do some women have a pattern of dating unavailable men? [11:00]
• The power of setting intentions [14:00]
• Self-limiting beliefs and 'stories' we tell ourselves [21:00]
• Clearing up 'the power of thoughts' for skeptics [23:00]
• A guided exercise with Katherine for finding your 'false self' [29:00]
• How to talk to your inner child [34:00]
• What to do when you're really stuck in your own story [45:00]
• Katherine's go-to move for when she's triggered [49:00]

QUESTION

If you want to understand the long term cost of not repairing a rupture, Dan Siegel, who coined the term interpersonal neurobiology, is about to illuminate your mind. 

We discuss how we human beings operate when our "minds" and hearts come together, trauma, and how to fight off disease with presence. 

This episode is powerful.

It's for the science nerds and relationship geeks who want to better understand the human nervous system, mindfulness, and even trauma.

SHOWNOTES

• The 3 facets of the mind [15:00]
• Where does the mind live? [18:00]
• What do relationships and the body share in common? [20:00]
• How you can strengthen your mind through "monitoring and modifying" [27:00]
• Hyperarousal vs hypo-arousal [31:00]
• The 4 F’s of a reactive state [32:00]
• Coming back from reactivity [37:00]
• What are the long-term costs of not repairing ruptures to relationship? [42:00]
• How presence helps fight off disease [48:00]
• The importance of developing an "internal compass" [60:00]

Quote from the Smart Couple Quote Book
Stop wasting time with people who don’t support your fullness. Stop apologizing for who you are. Do not spend another day dimming your light because someone’s uncomfortable. Some people you know will always be uncomfortable with your way and will always judge you. Let them go and keep being you as you are.

SHOWNOTES

• A quote from The Smart Couple Quote Book [7:00]
• Outgrowing people on your path to growth and development [8:00]
• Surrounding yourself by growth-oriented people [10:00]

Boundaries are essential in a partnership and Terri Cole knows a lot about them. We talk about getting sober, parenting her inner child, what it takes to have your marriage as a top priority and what women can do to balance being independently strong with interdependently connected. This podcast interview is fun and full of gems.

SHOWNOTES

• Terri’s story [10:00]
• The 3 questions you need to ask yourself when you get triggered [21:00]
• What is ‘transference’ and how to we ‘repeat realities’? [23:00]
• How you can become more knowledgeable about your internal experience [26:00]
• Why is it important to do inner-child work? [27:00]
• What is a ‘Downloaded Love Blue-Print’, and how does it affect every relationship we have? [32:00]
• Examples of language you can use to support your partner when they’re triggered [42:00]
• 1 simple boundary everybody needs [49:00]
• Consequences vs threats [55:00]

QUESTION:
It seems like my husband wants me to change things, and that there are things I want him to change...
Is that the same things as wanting him to grow, just in different terms? I’ve heard you say that people can’t change their partners, but you have said that the goal should be to grow. I’m wondering what the difference is.
How do you accept that your partner isn’t going to change, but then strive or agree to grow?
- Natalie, Denver

SHOWNOTES

• Is it okay to want your partner to change? [2:00]
• Reasonable vs. unreasonable requests [3:00]
• Reframing change from a growth-oriented mindset [4:00]
• Requests that make your partner feel judged [6:00]
• When is it better to move on than to try to change someone? [8:00]

This couple learned how to get stronger through postpartum depression and conflict. Listen how they navigated a big personal crisis and how they helped each other get through it.

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

• Denise & TJ's story [11:00]
• Experiencing spirituality through your partner [13:00]
• What happens when both partners in a relationship tend to 'take charge'? [18:00]
• Challenges that come up when you move in together [20:00]
• Dealing with constant conflict with no resolution [24:00]
• Dropping the story of 'I don't need anyone else' and finding value in relationship [33:00]
• How to use experience to be more resourced each time you're in conflict with your partner [37:00]
• How exploring plant medicines helped Denise & TJ on their journey [38:00]
• 1 lesson Denise & TJ learnt through The Relationship School ® that impacted them the most [45:00]
• How to use conflict to understand your partner better [50:00]

QUESTION:
I understand that men generally will put career and providing at the top of their priority list, while relationships might hover near the bottom. Relationship is a top priority for me, so how do I get to the place where i’m ok with not being at the top of the list for my guy?
How do I not take it personally? Do I need to be looking for someone who’ll put our relationship at the top of their list and make me a priority - or is that a childhood fantasy?
 - Vanessa from Santa Monica

SHOWNOTES

• Vanessa's question [1:00]
• Understanding what it takes for a fulfilling relationship  [2:00]
• When two people in a relationship have different values [3:00]
• How you can express your hurt to your partner without getting 'blamey' [4:00]
• Should you learn to be okay with not being a priority to your partner? [5:00]

Fighting and emotional upset is just part of the program in a committed relationship over many years. But what separates the smart couple from people who really struggle is being able to repair well. In this episode, my wife Ellen Boeder covers why "the repair" is so critical in a strong partnership. It's essential as a parent, so why would it be any different with your partner. Listen in to get a few tips on how to do this fundamental skill and learn from Ellen and me as we share from our own marriage.

SHOWNOTES

• What does a good relationship look and feel like? [7:00]
• Why feeling ‘safe’ is essential for a good relationship [8:00]
• Why ‘I’m sorry’ is a bad repair-strategy [18:00]
• What Ellen calls the ‘micro-repair’[20:00]
• How to really listen to your partner after conflict without getting triggered [23:00]
• What are some quick ways to reset the nervous system when words aren’t working? [30:00]
• Ellen’s advice on conflict and repair for couples [34:00]

QUESTION:
I’m single and broken up with four months ago and have decided to take time out of the dating pool to get to know myself more, reflect on my last relationship and to enjoy my own company.
The thing is, i know that in the near future, I want a partner. What is your advice on choosing a partner?
To be more specific, I’m aware of the relationship process of the honeymoon phase, then the real partnership where you get to know the real person… Since in the honeymoon phase usually people try to be their best selves and not always their authentic selves, how can you identify these characteristics of growth and development mindsets, self-awareness, kindness, trustworthiness?
- Mariana from Mexico

SHOWNOTES

• Mariana’s question [1:00]
• What you can do to really get to know someone you’re dating [2:00]
• Why do we hide parts of ourselves from the person we're dating? [4:00]
• How do you get a great relationship? [7:00]

Here at The Relationship School®, we focus on the long-term relationship game.

But what if you're ready for a relationship but can't find one?

This week, I invited Marni Battista to help shed some light on how single women can break out of their comfort zones, start dating and find a quality guy (without repeating the same patterns over and over again).

Make sure to listen for her advice on how to get past the last 10% of unconscious patterns that keep most single women stuck in their comfort zone.

Here are a few of the highlights:

SHOWNOTES

• How Marni became a dating coach [9:00]
• Learning from mistakes and ‘bad dates’ [15:00]
• How people get stuck in blame and attract bad dates [16:00]
• How dating can reveal where you have unfinished self-work [24:00]
• What Marni calls the ‘love shield’ and how it can keep you stuck [26:00]
• The danger of quick-fix dating solutions [32:00]
• Baby-steps for women who need to leave a bad relationship [44:00]
• Does it matter how you date in the modern world? [36:00]
• The trap of binge-dating and burning out [38:00]
• The most common mistake people make in their dating profiles [40:00]
• Should you tell your date your non-negotiables on the first date? [43:00]
• Advice for singles who are dating [45:00]

QUESTION:
I keep running away from relationships with the opposite sex when they start to get close or use the ‘L word’, basically because I think I’m not good enough for them or they’d end up leaving me. I also find it difficult to initiate talks with other people - what do I do?
- Elias

SHOWNOTES

• This episode's question [1:00]
• The irony in running away because you're scared of being left [2:00]
• Fear of being alone is human. Here's how you can use it to build intimacy [3:00]
• Working on your triggers around abandonment [4:00]
• Owning your fear [6:00]
• Dealing with self-worth issues [8:00]

Pat Ogden PhD is a pioneer when it comes to somatic trauma therapy. Her work has touched many people including me. Even if you don't think you have any trauma, you likely have some living in your body that your partner will activate. In this episode, Pat has some great guidance to normalize and assist you in taking small steps that will greatly benefit you and your partner as you wade through the daily triggers of long-term relationship.

SHOWNOTES

• What got Pat into studying human beings and trauma [10:00]
• How Pat helped women who had difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure [13:00]
• What is trauma? [17:00]
• Why we see the ‘freeze response’ in people who were abused as children [19:00]
• How childhood neglect can show up as trauma in adults [20:00]
• What’s happening in the bodies of a couple who fights all the time? [22:00]
• The pursuer and withdrawer dynamic in relationship [26:00]
• Can we rewire our nervous systems together as a couple? [28:00]
• The significance of the therapist-client bond [33:00]
• What couples can do at home to work with their automatic nervous system responses [37:00]
• Is there harm in retelling a traumatic story? [43:00]
• Pat’s advice on embodying the self [49:00]

QUESTION:
What are your thoughts on the ‘Don’t go to bed angry’ rule?

SHOWNOTES

• This episode's question [1:00]
• When taking a time-out overnight is the best thing you can do [3:00]
• Rigid rules vs agreements [6:00]
• How you can make agreements with your partner that leave room for flexibility [8:00]

Ever feel like you're tolerating shitty behavior, shouldering the burden of being the ‘therapist’ in the relationship, or constantly giving to others (and talking yourself out of your own needs)?

Valuing ourselves and having confidence in our boundaries is key to getting more of what you want and less of what you don’t want - especially in relationship.

Danielle Laporte is an expert at helping women find their ‘white hot truth'.  She’s got a gift for translating spirituality, self-help and ‘new age’ thinking into something more palatable for women who are growth-oriented and wanting more in their lives.

In this episode, we cover why it's a bad idea to be the therapist in the relationship, boundaries, feeling inadequate (and the lies that the 'new age' world sell us), thinking that we’re asking ‘too much,’ how to value yourself and much more.

SHOWNOTES

• Danielle's story [11:00]
• The difference between someone who learns from their pain vs someone who stays stuck [18:00]
• How encouragement through childhood shapes who we grow into [19:00]
• The trap of believing you’re ‘not enough’ and what Danielle calls the ‘Lie of Inadequacy’ [29:00]
• The issue of inadequacy in relationship and what to do to counter feeling ‘not enough’ [36:00]
• What is the “Spiritual Woman Trap”? [38:00]
• Working with the inner-child to move toward wholeness [46:00]
• Why boundaries matter to the growth-oriented person [47:00]
• The ‘Poly movement’ - do open relationships work? [60:00]
• Advice for men, women, and parents [66:00]

QUESTION:
I feel like I’m doing my part setting boundaries, communicating my needs and asking for what I want.  What else can I try?
I’ve done the work to learn how to express and articulate my needs, how I want to be treated, what’s not ok with me, behaviour that’s hurtful (very clearly with specific behaviours) and setting clear boundaries.  Some of the behaviours continue even though I’ve clearly told him I won’t tolerate it anymore. When I tell him how this specific behaviour impacts me, I often get a sarcastic “I’m sorry you feel this way” and he just doesn’t listen to me.  

SHOWNOTES

• This episode's question [1:00]
• How does it feel to get 'I'm sorry you feel that way' from your partner? [2:00]
• How to diffuse the anger in a heated conversation [4:00]
• Training your partner to really listen to you [5:00]