There are two kinds of expectations in a long-term relationship. Knowing the difference can help you sink or swim in your partnership. See if you can get honest about your expectations of yourself and your partner in this episode.

SHOWNOTES

• The two kinds of expectations [5:45]
• Why laying a trip on someone doesn’t work in a partnership [9:30]
• Why trying to force someone to change never works. [11:45]
• Monogamy as an example of how to set an expectation. [13:45]
• Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [17:15]

Saying “I’m sorry” is one way to try to repair after a relationship challenge, but it’s exceptionally limited. Not learning a new way to repair is like driving your car without tires. It works and can even get you places, but you’ll go so much further if you learn this one. Roll up your sleeves as I have a good challenge for you in this episode.

SHOWNOTES

• Why regular apologies are weak. [9:00]
• What you need to do instead of just saying “I’m sorry.” [13:45]
• A perspective that will empower you when you’re triggered by your partner. [16:00]
• The secret to apologizing like a pro. [17:30]
• Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [21:30]

Relationships get hard. But how do you know when hard is too freakin’ hard? And, what do you do about it? In this episode my wife and I explore a very common complaint about long-term relationships, especially after the initial honeymoon phase wears off. Are you making your relationship hard or are you making it easy? Believe it or not, you are in the driver’s seat on this.

SHOWNOTES

• How do you know when your relationship is too hard? [5:30]
• The decision Jayson made that was crucial to his relationship. [15:00]
• Does Ellen ever feel that motherhood is too hard? [17:00]
• The perspective that matters most in a relationship [18:45]
• How to work through conflict in a relationship? [20:15]
• What about working through conflict on your own, without your partner or community? [22:30]
• Why it’s not wise to “pick your battles”? [26:45]
• Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group

Your relationship questions are answered in this episode. We cover a lot of ground. One theme is how to deal with “value” differences in an intimate relationship. This one is really good because it can tear a relationship apart trying to fit each other into your respective boxes of how you prefer they be.

SHOWNOTES

• How long to wait for your partner to blend your families and get married? [7:15]
• How can partners adapt in a relationship when one partner has a chronic illness? [11:45]
• Why do men lie? [14:00]
• What’s the reason our relationship improves when my man hangs out with this guy friends? [17:30]
• How to tell your guy about erectile dysfunction without making it worse? [20:00]
• What skills are best to use when you’re highly triggered and avoid an argument? [21:45]
• How to keep childhood issues from breaking up your relationship? [23:45]
• How do you know when to take 100% responsibility and when to leave a partner who is not willing to do the work? [26:00]
• What if your ex is creating challenges for me to blend families with my new partner? [30:00]
• When you have different values, what’s the best way to deal with that? [33:30]
• Does it make sense to avoid dating men whose taxi light isn’t on, like Miranda said in Sex & The City?
• What about when partners have opposite views on how to handle money in a relationship? [40:45]
• Long-distance relationships: how do I get my man to show me that he’s emotionally ready to commit? [42:45]
• What should a woman do with her kids when their dad just walks out? [44:15]
• How to deal with a man who is emotionally unavailable? [46:45]
• Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group

Relationship pain has a very clear purpose. If you are hip to it, you’ll thrive in relationships. If you are uneducated here, you’ll run away and play the victim. Direct and to the point, I suggest a very important daily practice for you to strengthen your mindset about long-term partnership. Pain hurts indeed. And, what if pain was your ally in disguise?

SHOWNOTES

• Your only two choices you have about your relationship pain [4:30]
• What is one of the harshest versions of relational pain [6:00]
• The first thing to NOT do when in relationship pain. [11:00]
• The good news about pain and stress [15:45]
• What happens when you just bounce from relationship to relationship. [17:00]
• The link between your emotional pain and your numbing habits. [21:45]
• What makes someone really unattractive. [25:00]

Relationship Pain Daily Practice

I have two choices with my relationship pain:

1. Use it to make me weaker by whining, complaining, and blaming others (or myself).
2. Use it to make me stronger by seeing it as my ally to master the lesson it’s bringing me.

It’s 100% of the time up to me to choose.

Relationship pain has a very clear purpose. If you are hip to it, you'll thrive in relationships. If you are uneducated here, you'll run away and play the victim.

One of the most fundamental skills we need to navigate life’s challenges is not formally taught to us. We learn through the school of hard knocks and most of us get some pretty big scars. These scars don’t heal unless you use the very best methods to become stronger. Join me here as I invite you into something very special. Something that could impact us well beyond our life.

SHOWNOTES

• The flawed thinking behind simply wanting a great relationship. [3:00]
• What could have benefited Jayson had he taken a relationship class as a kid. [4:00]
• How wanting to be liked is impacting children’s integrity with themselves. [5:45]
• Jayson’s puts his stake in the ground. [9:15]
• The big flaw in the current school system. [11:00]
• Jayson’s bold invitation. [12:30]

Do attachment principles actually work in adult relationships? How can secure functioning assist you and your partner into greater safety and openness in your marriage? In this episode I talk with Stan Tatkin, couple therapist, and adult attachment guru. I’ve been studying this guy for the past 2 years through my wife. He’s making a very important contribution, backed by brain science, with the neuro psychobiological approach to how adults to long-term relationship successfully. Get ready to “parent” your partner! Yikes! I learned a lot here and am eager to share his work with you.

SHOWNOTES

• How did Stan get into becoming a therapist? [5:45]
• What is “secure functioning”? [13:00]
• How is secure functioning different than “co-dependency”? [21:45]
• What does a co-dependent dynamic look like in real life? [22:30]
• Are we re-parenting ourselves with our chosen partners? [28:00]
• What is a “master regulator” in a relationship? How to tell if that’s you. [31:30]
• How to avoid choosing a partner who is not a good fit for a secure functioning model? [32:30]
• When dating, here’s one thing you MUST do. [35:00]
• What is the allostatic load and how does it impact both your body and relationships? [38:00]
• The antidote to when a relationship goes on auto-pilot. [47:00]
• Island, Anchor, Wave and why they matter in your relationship. [48:00]
• The myth of “you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else”. [52:00]
• Does your therapist also need to be in a thriving partnership [55:00]
• Why does Stan say that “dating lasts forever”? [56:30]
• Stan’s big tip on how couples can stimulate their marriage on a daily basis [58:00]

Does having children ruin your marriage? The stats are against most of you who get married and choose children. But why is this, and what can you and your spouse do about it? Find out this and so much more as Jayson & Ellen use their own story as another example of what’s possible during the hardest of times.

SHOWNOTES

• A powerful definition of a mature person. [2:20]
• The gloomy article on parenting that got Ellen and Jayson fired up. [6:15]
• The negative view of marriage. [7:50]
• How women are impacted after having a baby. [9:20]
• The defining moment that Ellen remembers, but Jayson blocked out. [11:30]
• The biggest factor that will impact your overall happiness in life [17:30]
• What Ellen said to Jayson that hit him in the gut like a truck and woke him up big time. [21:45]
• Ellen shares what Jayson does consistently that helps her show up more fully in their marriage and their family. [24:45]
• An important perspective that can help you deliver your truth more effectively. [28:00]

Do you have any friends in your life that lovingly challenge you? If not, you’re missing out on big growth that could help your primary partnership.

SHOWNOTES

• Why loneliness can literally kill you. [2:30]
• The trap of only relying on your partner for support. [7:02]
• How you can speed up the learning in your relationship. [9:45]
• A great way to kill your sex life with your partner. [11:00]
• When it might be a good time to get new friends. [12:30]
• The first person who told Jayson he was full of shit (and why he loved it) [15:45]
• How to skillfully use judgment to help your friends [17:30]
• How to show up more powerfully when visiting your family. [20:55]
• Jayson’s invitation. [27:10]

In this episode, I bring on my better half, my wife to rock it out with me. We had fun exploring the early stages of our relationship and what had us “choose” each other. There are some funny and not so funny shares in this one. I’m grateful Ellen is joining us here and here’s to more to come from the two of us.

SHOWNOTES

• How did Jayson and Ellen first meet? [9:07]
• What you must learn about your partner before you decide to spend your life together. [14:30]
• What had Ellen ask Jayson out? [15:05]
• Shitty advice Jayson got from a therapist and an astrologer. [18:45]
• How did Jayson overcome his “grass is always greener” pattern? [24:40]
• One of Jayson’s best accomplishments of his life. [28:00]
• The simple yet powerful distinction that Ellen did that allowed Jayson to choose to commit. [30:15]
• How do you know if your partner is “The One”? [33:45]
• A huge thing that must happen before you should even consider marriage. [35:00]
• Jayson’s challenge to the listener, both for those in a relationship and single. [43:15]

In this episode, a listener asks about making your partner wrong and how to deal with them when you have very differing values. It’s a common challenge that some couples “wake up” to after being together a few years. And, it’s super tricky if you have kids and need to find common ground.

SHOWNOTES

• The difference between making a partner wrong to avoid intimacy and doing it because of different values? [1:37]
• How to parent when your parenting values are different? [3:40]
• What you must learn about your partner before you decide to spend your life together. [5:10]

In this short episode, I cover why men are so locked up relationally and 3 steps to help a guy transform this so that, you both can have a great relationship. 

SHOWNOTES

• What is at the core of men’s challenges in modern day. [3:20]
• Some of the big pain points for men in relationships. [4:45]
• What is the “boy code”? [5:15]
• How Jayson struggled in relationships. [6:30]
• Do men really know how to listen? [8:15]
• Why shouldn’t believe when your man says he’s just “in a bad mood.” [12:00]
• The missing step after getting good feedback. [15:05]
• Jayson’s challenge to the men. [17:40]

In this episode I talk with Layla Martin, a zany and wise, sex teacher who will remind you of your brilliance in the bedroom. From handjobs to female self-pleasure practices, this one is full of powerful sex practices for a couple ready to deepen their sex life. 

SHOWNOTES

• What happened in Layla’s childhood that started her path to helping people improve their sex lives? [5:30]
• Layla shares the biggest struggle and opportunity she sees in couples regarding sexuality. [10:40]
• What do women and men each struggle the most with sexually? [12:00]
• A simple exercise a woman can do to improve her sexual experience?  [20:10]
• A simple three-part exercise to do after sex that will deepen your sexual connection [26:15]
• What to do when a woman has a stronger sex drive than her partner. [32:35]
• How to respond when a guy loses his erection? [33:15]
• Should a woman have sex even if she’s not wanting to? [34:05]
• Layla explains one practice to transform a woman’s orgasms and sex life. [36:40]
• Layla’s take on threesomes and polyamory. [37:15]

In this episode I give you 3 steps toward a more peaceful relationship. And, when I talk about peace in a relationship, it isn’t the BS fantasy most people think of. Check it out.

SHOWNOTES

• Why everyone is dumb in some area of our lives. [4:00]
• How can we just “all get a long”?  [5:01]
• Your two choices when uncomfortable stuff comes up? [10:24]
• The number one reason people get a divorce [13:37]
• Powerful 3-step process to resolve dumb fights [16:00]

In this episode I talk with Alison Armstrong about some major differences between men and women and how to use them to your advantage in your relationship. While I get that the labels of masculine and feminine or man/woman can be incredibly narrow, they are very effective for teaching basic relationship principles. Notice how Alison does this with some age old “labels” to help you see where you naturally  orient and where your partner does. Also, notice when and where you feel you are at your “best” in your relationship. Check it!

SHOWNOTES

• What caused Alison to become hungry to learn about men? [5:30]
• Why do woman throw their husbands under the bus? [9:50]
• The metaphor that helps explain why men and women see each other so differently. [12:05]
• What one factor determines when a man or woman will act at his or her best. [16:30]
• The best time to talk about a challenge in your relationship. [17:45]
• How being more accurate about time can help women connect better with their man. [24:05]
• The ideal perspective to thrive in changing life circumstances. [26:15]
• The missing piece that women don’t get about a partner who is on his purpose. [32:45]
• What is a “no-blow” date. [35:00]

In this episode I answer listeners’ questions on long-distance relationships, how to win him back, entitlement and sex, blended families, divorce, and much more. It’s a shorty but a goodie.

SHOWNOTES

• What does an over-supportive relationship look like? [2:30]
• What does it mean when a man says he “needs a break” from the relationship? [4:15]
• How to win back a guy? [6:14]
• What’s the best way to break through your triggers? [7:43]
• How to make a 2nd or 3rd marriage work out? [9:07]
• What to do when your partner only feels criticized? [11:33]
• How to deal with a man who feels sexually entitled? [13:20]
• What is the viability of long-distance relationships? [15:28]
• Jayson’s one-question challenge to listeners [18:17]

In this juicy episode I talk with Alex Allman about men, orgasms and sex. Giving her an orgasm isn’t what you think. Alex helps us get more honest and more present with our sex lives and how crucial it is to have other men in your life to bust your balls when you need it. While this episode is for the men, if you are a woman, I know you’ll appreciate how our guest is trying to help the men dance with you in the bedroom.

SHOWNOTES

• How Alex’s childhood impacted his view of masculinity [5:50]
• The two types of change [11:10]
• Why being beautiful and successful early on makes change harder [12:45]
• What happened when Alex was 39 that forever woke him up. [17:55]
• Why only loving your partner for their positive traits will make you disappointed. [23:30]
• The most important thing for a man to get that is so simple yet so complicated. [32:15]
• How the “doting husband” can be sexually repulsive. [34:15]
• What to do when you have erection troubles in the bedroom. [43:00]

Love. This word is one of the most commonly misunderstood words in the English language. In this podcast I give my definition of what true love really is. Here I cover the 3 stages of love in a relationship. Before age 30, I never got past stage 1. I think by looking at your own experience you too, will see that it’s time to update your definition of love. 

SHOWNOTES

• The difference between love and infatuation. [3:30]
• The truth about love songs on the radio. [5:45]
• What are the three stages of love? [6:37]
• The huge gifts and power in a long-term relationship. [10:50]
• Two action steps to get started today [12:40]

Here I cover 2 types of boundaries. Both are important to learn and practice on a regular basis in your relationship. I also build upon last week’s episode (with Lisa Dion jaysongaddis.com/podcast40). Boundaries separate the classic co-dependent couple from the the smart couple and believe it or not, generate a more fulfilling type of closeness.

SHOWNOTES

• The childhood dynamic that affects our relationships today. [3:27]
• One powerful reality-check question to ask yourself. [5:34]
• An example of when betraying yourself hurts both you and the relationship. [7:45]
• The two types of boundaries [11:05]
• How boundaries help weed out people in your life that aren’t a fit for the real you. [12:30]

Boundaries are by far one of the most important tools in intimate relationships. How much do you struggle to say no says a lot about how much you value yourself. You must get boundaries if you want to go the distance in a relationship.

SHOWNOTES

• The huge breakthrough insight about boundaries that Lisa shared with Jayson [5:13]
• The four things our brain is always scanning for to determine there is a threat or challenge [7:24]
• What is Lisa’s definition of a boundary? [13:20]
• Jayson and Lisa demonstrate how to set a boundary [16:33]
• The big fear we all carry in ourselves [20:05]
• The weakness many of us have in receiving a boundary request [22:02]
• What are the most common feedback signs our body tells us? [25:50]
• The three types of boundaries [30:56]
• Jayson issues a boundary challenge [43:04]

Is love earned or given to you? In this podcast, I explore what happens when people say “Can’t you just love me as I am?” and then hope for a great relationship. And I also talk about the best practice to do every day if you want a thriving relationship that works, not just one you stumble through.

In this podcast, I interview Decker Cunov, a leader who has deeply impacted how I show up personally and professionally. For over 10 years, he's been one of the pioneers in a fast-growing transformational practice known as "Circling." As usual Decker packs a punch in his own funky style. Pay special attention to our dynamic near the end.

SHOWNOTES

• Why does Decker care about relationships so much? [4:17]
• What was it like growing up as a sensitive kid. [7:15]
• What IS “circling”? [11:36]
• How circling is and isn’t like meditation. [15:05]
• Why does circling matter in relationships. [15:58]
• A quick way to play “intersubjective tennis” with your partner. [31:34]
• Decker breaks down the steps of circling. [23:35]
• What’s it like to “feel another person” in circling. [29:32]
• Some of the traps of circling. [33:15]
• Decker starts circling Jayson [43:36]
• Jayson’s big aha from circling [50:10]
• What Decker’s son said that blew him away [52:33]
• The one thing that Decker said that personally impacted Jayson [57:01]

In this podcast, I interview Satyen and Suzanne, both long-time students of David Deida. These two are super honest, loving individuals, and wow have they been through a lot! There share some very vulnerable details about how they navigated religion, affairs, and fighting. They give you concrete practical tools you can try right now with your partner. These guys live it!

SHOWNOTES

• How did Satyen and Suzanne start caring about relationships? [3:07]
• Why did Satyen resist marriage? [5:40]
• What ingredient was the “it” factor for Suzanne’s attraction to Satyen? [6:24]
• What role did religion play in their relationship? [9:22]
• How did fighting about food bring them closer? [10:56]
• What impact did David Deida have on their connection? [13:08]
• How did they create a new template for their relationship? [14:46]
• The most challenging period of their relationship [16:42]
• One really important practice to heal from infidelity [19:54]
• Satyen and Suzanne demonstrate a powerful tool to express emotional pain to your partner [22:28]
• The often-missed key to understanding your partner [28:43]
• What is PCP and ISE and how do they create connection and turn-on? [30:50]

In this one, we answer your question, is polyamory for me? In this eye-opening episode, I interview six people who practice some form of polyamory and open relationships. They share their raw and realistic perspectives on both the potential benefits and challenges of choosing polyamorous relationships. They also help explain the numerous terms that can be confusing for a polyamory beginner. And be sure to listen to the very end where I reveal a big aha on what monogamists can learn from polyamorists!

SHOWNOTES

• What is the difference between poly, open and swinging? [10:25]
• Why would anyone want to become polyamorous? [15:25]
• What is the same fear that shows up in both polyamorous and monogamous relationships? [25:45]
• What is a “second base party? [26:20]
• Does a primary partner always have to feel like they’re in first place? [28:20]
• How do you navigate polyamory and parenting? [29:16]
• What is “veto power” in a polyamorous relationship? [30:35]
• The pitfalls to avoid and keys to remember when starting out in polyamory? [32:34]
• The difference between a “primary” and a secondary”? [38:20]
• What is the personal growth opportunity in both polyamory and monogamy? [47:30]
• Why compersion is necessary in polyamory [53:40]
• What happens when you slow things down [58:40]
• How a Q-TIP can help you [60:20]
• Jayson’s big aha about polyamory [1:05:20]